someone threw a dead crab at me
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
