she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
