I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
