i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
