The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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