My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
