I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
