Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
