why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.