he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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