I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.