My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
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Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
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He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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