Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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