I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
