I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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