Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
