Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
