did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
