i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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