just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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