I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
