I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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