I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
