If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
