last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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