oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
