Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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