Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
