The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
