Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
