There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
