I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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