No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
