If that was your dad, he is hot
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hippo gnu deer
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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