So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
