Too much gin, very little bucket
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
