we're blogging at a bar
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
