it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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