Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
