I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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