physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
