Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
