also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
