I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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