Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
