if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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