So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
