I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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