If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
