life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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