hell yes lets make some ravioli
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
