Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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