Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
