Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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