what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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