I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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