I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
