If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
