Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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