Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
