I'm really into asian looking animals
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Come share oat with me in your robe
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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